The Power of Mindful Parenting by Wynn Burkett
If parenting is a demanding job, then parenting adolescence would beat neural surgeon and even worse, you don’t get paid doing it. Practicing mindful parenting help us navigate the challenges with more optimism, compassion and courage. Today’s post is to highlight some mindful parenting tips from the book the Power of Mindful Parenting.
Recently I am growing agitated by my 11 year old. He used to be very sweet and would hug and tag along my side all the time. All of a sudden, right before middle school, he stopped listening and would argue back on any requests, big or small. Our house is filled with screaming and yelling most of the evenings and weekends. It is NOT the life I want. Out of disappointment and anxiety, I searched my e-library for resources and this is when I stumbled on this book. It changed the way I think and perceive about teenagers. It reminded me that teenagers have passed their sweet, pleasing age and are becoming an adult, but not quite there. It taught me to be compassionate, kind and purposeful as a parent. It’s all about being MINDFUL parenting.
Let’s first take a look at our brain growth, which is the root cause of adolescent behaviors. Scientists discovered that human brains are not fully developed until the age of 25. Until then, the brain is not fully wired and the teen brain, in its construction stage, will not be able to process info as efficient as adults. The last part of the brain to mature is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for reasoning, judgment and prospective memory. They are more advanced in cognitive behaviors such as figuring out how to play new games on their electric devices yet they constantly forget the agreed actions, like taking out the garbage in the evenings, feeding the pets after meals, and that drives us nuts most of the time!
Another factor to help understand teens behavioral mystery is the desire to be independent and separate from parents. Around the age of 11 or 12, right around middle school years, children start to seek for their identity. This is the time they start to realize they are different from their parents. It’s also the time they start to distance themselves. You may wonder, where has my sweet little kid gone? Why do they no longer want to tag along our side any more? Worse even, you are constantly dealing with a child who would pick any battle against you at any time, or withdraw themselves. You find yourself trying your best to reason with them, but all you get is protesting, screaming, stumping their feet, or slamming the doors. You may end up just like me, exhausted and disappointed that they are not listening, understanding and appreciating. Having a regular conversation with your teens become our worst battles.
This is where mindful parenting fits in.
Mindful parenting is to exercise control on ourselves, being compassionate and kind to our teens. Teenage is a special stage in our children’s growth, a stage of forming autonomy and separation from parents, experiencing puberty, along with physical changes. They are often dealing with growth related stress and irritation and become very reactive to whatever we say to them. Being mindful is to stay calm, be present, and purposeful. Calmness is contagious. It leads to more moments of love, connection and fewer conflicts.
To calm ourselves, learn to do three things: First, take deep breaths. Deep breaths help us take in more oxygen, which reduce stress and anxiety in ourselves. Then, pause before reacting or responding. When you see the mess in your teen’s room, ask yourself: Is this the right time to ask him or her to clean or can it wait till a better time. In the meanwhile, refrain yourselves from doing his chores for him. Third, practice meditation. Meditation teaches us to focus inwardly and train our minds to observe inner dialogue without judgement. It creates insights and distance which helps us choose how to respond in challenging situations. We choose to revisit boundaries and family rules with our teens when we are both calmer and less stressed, such as cleaning their rooms every Thursday to go out on Friday after school, our teens will more likely be respective and comply.
Other mindful parenting tips include: Talk less and stop talking. When you are about to explode in a heated conversation with our teens, stop talking and let them speak last. This way, they will have to bear the weight of their nasty words, and sit in the discomfort they created. Sometimes, after such exchange happens, they will come back and apologize. Walk away. This is not to disengage with your teens, but to disengage with the conflicts. Revisit the conversation when you are both calm and finish off, making sure your rules and expectations are clear.
Self-care is critical. Maintain a healthy diet, regular sleep and exercise, and being out in nature and connecting with people you care about are all helpful to stay in balance in these often stormy teen years. Actively practicing compassion and being kind to yourself. Remind yourself: My son is just going through teens. All teens are the same. this won’t make a difference in 10 years. With practice of kindness, it increase our capacity for forgiveness and connection to others.
Strategies for skillful conversations with your teen. First, how to say No. Four-step process: Step 1, validate. Validate your teenager’s feelings. Acknowledge their wishes. “I understand that you want to stay at your friend’s house late.” Step 2, State a clear preference. “However, I cannot allow you to stay after midnight.” Step 3, Listen to the argument and decide if you are willing to compromise. You may not like them to dye their hair purple, but are willing to allow them to do so while draw a line on getting tattoos. Step 4, if you are not willing to comprise, stick to your “no” and do not back down. “I thought about it and the answer is no”. Standing firm with your “no” send important signal to your teens that keeping the argument is fruitless.
Second, how to make a request. Make it clear and specific. “I’d appreciate it if you can help set up table for dinner.” State appreciation afterwards. Acknowledge their effort and help can help build connect in the moment and equity for long-term relationship.
Conflicts with our teens are unavoidable. Keeping ourselves sane and calm is never easy. Some recovery tactics are:
- Taking deep belly breaths
- Going for a walk
- Making a cup of tea
- Meditate
- Doing yoga
- Listening to music
- Apologizing to your teens (if you ever lose your cool)
Radical acceptance. Let go of illusion of control and embrace the willingness to notice and accept things as they are, without judging. Most of the source of unhappiness and disappointment is our expectations to our teens. We expect them to be competitive, excel academically, in sports, or music. The truth is every child is unique. They may not be soccer stars but can create beautiful art work. When we let go of our judgement and accept wholeheartedly who they are, we allow ourselves to truly open our eyes, minds and hearts, and create long-lasting connections with our teens.
Lastly, increase positivity with gratitude, affection and kindness. Professor Barbara Fredrickson of University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill found that a ratio of 3-to-1 positive to negative experiences in daily life lead to creativity, resilience and openness to possibilities. So praise our teams, show them our unconditional love (even though they are oppositional) and be enthusiastic to their request. “Sure, I’d be happy to give you a ride to your friend’s house”. “Need some money going to the shopping mall with your friends?”
In sum, mindful parenting is to stay calm, be present, be compassionate, listen more and talk less. Be positive, generous, kind and loving to our teens and to ourselves. Create connections with our teens for the long-run. Let go of judgement and accept our teens who they are. Remember, after 10 years, all the conflicts we have today with our teens won’t matter that much.
Cheers to all the parents of teens. May you be mindful in these precious years.